underneath the paperbark tree, march 23 2017
i want to feel good.
i want to feel lightness. i want to be free of pain and aches.
it is so frustrating to me that i could no longer multi-tasks and hold on-to all these duties and responsibilities that i would love to participate in.
the stress has steadily increased leading up to the conference next week… it was made worst on Thursday when i had just the most horrendous day; full of angry and frustrated people who want to debate and appeal for justice and fairness, when the actual problem is misinformation and lack of knowledge… and then to add to the cocktail; some emotionally driven events too.
my body was reacting violently to this, even with all my attempts to calm down and ride with the flow.
i have been having quite a lot of digestive problems lately, which started from late last year. this emotional day on Thursday has just made it worse. I was not only feeling severely and painfully bloated, but pain in my lower abdomen, then lower back and hips… at one point, while still sitting down on my desk, i felt dizzy and light headed… which was a point when i know, i really got to calm myself down and connect to my body. i pray to it; i know it has been trying to put up with the on-going stress for a long time… *thankfully, i did not faint in my cubicle*
i discovered a sanctuary near my workplace and have been going there as much as i can.
when i finished work that day, i walked straight towards it and found a place for me to lie down. i usually picked the pine trees, but this time, i landed underneath the paperbark tree. i probably lie there for almost half-an-hour before i had to go back to my car and started my 1 hour journey home.
being surrounded by trees, wind breeze and blue skies really help put my body back into rhythm. i had abandoned it, when i tried to push and push to get things done… like it was a machine…
it will take its toll eventually… i hope i will know not to push it to this end.
my symptoms have not gone away.
yesterday, i felt more indigestion, burning sensations on my hip joints throughout the day and painful bloating late in the evening… this morning, it was a real struggle to get out of bed.
my mind drifted to more negative, vindictive thoughts. my tummy feels bigger and rounder than usual… my whole body is wretched with pain. it tries to tell me that i look ugly, that i am weak, that my whole day is now ruined because i won’t be able to complete all the tasks that i need to complete.
and then i hear a small tiny whisper in the background.
oh stop it.
really? your body is weak? so how is it that you are still standing now, and breathing and walking?
and that’s my cue. that’s my cue to escape my ego and run into another room. a love room. i started hugging myself, as much as i can… unfortunately my arms were not long enough… and i say good loving prayers and words of gratefulness for fighting and surviving with me… for trying to keep me in balance even when i know, inside, there is a storm that it is trying to calm down. i rub my belly and say; yes i know you are bloated and rounder than usual, but i know you are trying, so thank you, belly. thank you. i love you anyway no matter if you are rounder or flatter or flabbier… you are all i have and i love you.
i know it all sounds really weird and hippie-la-la. but, it’s the only way i know that has helped me so far. the more i notice the struggle that my body is having, the more i give it encouragement, the better i feel the next day, the more tasks i can complete; despite all the fatigue, pain and aches.
you see, my friends…
you may not be able to feel this yet, you may not be able to really connect to your body… especially if you’ve grown up like me, detached from appreciating what a great, magnificent vehicle our body is, because all around us society treats this body like a mannequin… like an object that is there to physically take you to places and help you complete tasks.
we are wrong.
the body, when you are really connected to it, really shows you the way to live.
the body, with all its intricate built-in technology within it; the organs, the cells, the dark red velvet river that runs through it, is always… always trying to create harmony for you. the scientists call it homeostasis.
give your body love.
and lots of it.
you will be rewarded; as i have, for the past 2 years since Lupus, and am still able to complete many many tasks.