I feel like I have betrayed my own body.
I sat there in the kitchen with a slump; my whole body felt like it did not belong to me. It ached. I felt feverish，lethargic. My chest felt funny… It wasn’t the usual chest pain that I normally feel… It felt like my heart was too weak to pump all the blood and the muscles on my chest were too achey to contract and expand. Even heating up the soup for dinner and lifting the pot from the stove to the table almost had me out of breath. And yet I was feeling fine this morning when I woke up to go to work.
I’ve been here before. It has been a lot worse before. But this sudden overwhelming fatigue always knock me back to the abyss.
I am feeling so weak.
My sister came in just as I finished heating up my bowl of soup. She noticed that I didn’t look as I normally do and I was awfully quiet. She asked me what’s wrong but I couldn’t even muster up an answer.
It took me awhile to start talking to her.
As I slowly tried to put some food into me， I watched her preparing more food for the following day… I watched her with envy and heavy heart.
I almost cried then but once again I held back the tears.
It has been 2 years since I was diagnosed. I am getting a lot stronger and yet I am still not who I was… There are still so much of me that I wish I could have back.
I am a cook.
I am a home maker.
I am a carer.
As much as I hate doing the dishes after a big cook up， I very much enjoy the process of making a meal. I used to be very involved with this， cooking dinner every night after work…
But I haven’t done this for two years now… Apart from the odd weekend baking… I am no longer a carer but the one needing care. And， I am only 28 years old.
My mind took me far…
How would you care for your partner?
Ever since Lupus， ever since the break-up， the question never escape my mind. On my good， grounded days… My Knowing Woman would whisper to me and say; of course， he will be there for you， the right one will understand and be with you not because what you can or cannot do， but because of WHO YOU ARE… and you are radiating with Love and Tenderness… even when you are physically disabled， he sees beyond， he sees within.
But of course， to my mind， this answer is unsatisfactory… Who I am is defined by what I can or cannot do， who I am is defined by what I can or cannot offer….. Can I cook? Can I care for others and myself? Can I support myself financially?
Maybe my partner won’t even demand this… But I would. I would demand this on myself. Because so much of me is in knowing that I can serve the ones I love… And my way of serving them is by caring and showering them with love and affection… Through food， through service… And when I am not capable of completing these…….
Who am I?
I feel like I have betrayed my body.
What has gone wrong? When and where did it all started to become so wrong… Where are all the lies that I have buried within my body?
I will dig you all out， I will let you all come to the surface and then I would let you go.
The lies are not me.
The lies do not deserve to live in my body or soul or spirit.
I am Holy.
And I will not Lie.
I will not lie to myself again.
I will let this body flourish with all its wants and desires.